July 05, 2013

Britain is in the grip of a curious delirium that is leaving confusion and hysteria in its wake, experts have warned today.

Eyewitness reports reveal that symptoms of the as yet unnamed condition sweeping the country include heavy sweating, the desire to cast off clothing and a tendency to repeat the phrase ‘I like it hot, but this is too hot’ with annoying regularity.

The effects of the malady were first observed in southern part of the country after a bright, unidentified orb was seen slowly traversing the sky.

It is said to be spreading north but is unlikely ever to reach Scotland, experts have said.

One mesmerised onlooker described the vision as ‘painful to look at but worth persevering with’.

He said: “I’ve never seen anything like it before. Usually if you look up all you see is endless grey all the way to horizon, and that never changes, ever. I don’t think I’ve seen any colour in the sky except grey.

“So it was really exciting to see something round up there, and so bright. I couldn’t stop looking at the strange yet alluring object, even thought it really hurt my eyes.”

Another witness added: “Suddenly I had a real urge to remove my jumper, and water started pouring from my forehead. It was the strangest experience I’ve ever had. I feel giddy.”

However weather expert Dr I.C. Finger said it was not the first time the UK had suffered such a disturbing outbreak.

He said historic records revealed the ‘bright orb’ had been seen over the UK before, but was a very rare occurrence.

Dr Finger said: “Records show if you look back over the course of history a similar thing happens every around 100 years or so in this country.

“The ancients had a special word for the orb. They called it ‘The Sun’ and the strange effects it produces they call ‘summer’. Crazy, I know.”

Dr Finger added the only way to deal with the delirium it caused was to ‘go with the flow’.

“Try not to worry,” he advised readers.

“If the records are anything to go by it will all be a distant memory in a few days time.”

*Please note, The above is fictional and Rix can not take any responsibility if the above advice from Dr Finger is followed.

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