The Cando New Year Resolutions list

Every January, we all set ourselves impressive goals that we have every half-intention of achieving in the coming 12 months. Then, in December, we will remark how the time flies and wave a nonchalant hand at every naysayer who reminds us of said list that mysteriously vanished as of February 1. You were just never meant to lose that stone in weight. Seeing how cold the winter gets, it would have been bad for your health to be so skinny! And the rainy day fund is again not worth mentioning, but have you seen that beautiful, vintage parka coat hanging on your hatstand? Money isn’t going to keep your warm and dry in the rain, money gets wet.

But, not accomplishing tasks that we habitually set ourselves at each New Year can become something of a depressant. And so, here at Rix, we have pulled together the full-proof list of New Year Resolutions we can complete. Choose one or all.

1. Don’t forget to remember that you bought a gym membership. How many times have you said you would go to the gym regularly? How many times did you actually stick to it? Exactly. Instead, resolve to remember the gym, thus eradicating the pressure to actually go. This gives you the opportunity to look forward to going as a reward for successfully completing your New Year’s Resolution. You know, if you have the time.
2. (Train the kids to) walk the dog every day. The dog needs to be walked, that’s true enough. But as a parent, grandparent, or even friendly neighbour, it is your responsibility to look out for the next generation too. The media is rife with childhood obesity, and what with all these electronic contraptions the youth of today seem to be glued to, it is our duty to remind them of the great outdoors and fresh air. A win-win resolution if we do say ourselves.
3. Drink less alcohol. Perhaps two glasses of wine is too much of an evening. Let us resolve to only have one. On an unrelated note, don’t you just love this new, larger measure size wine glass? They say you can fit a whole bottle in it. But yes, a New Year Resolution to drink just one glass.
4. Be more sociable. While the kids are out walking the dog, why not share a sociable tipple with friends? Facebook can do facetime too, so log on with a mate and chat over a small glass of rosé. It would be rude to not have two, so it doesn’t count with resolution 3 (NB. As long as the glass has been poured while chatting, it still counts as being sociable rather than drinking long after you say goodbye).
5. Save for a rainy day fund with pennies found on the floor and down the back of the chair. Money doesn’t grow on trees, we all know that; how can you put away some extra when there is no extra? But like potatoes, digging up the back of sofa can be a fruitful effort. And the roads may not be paved with gold, but a keen eye can rustle up some coppers. It all adds up – people have been known to make thousands from finding discarded coins. Although we’re not promising an early retirement, there could well be enough for a pint at the local by Christmas.
6. Learn a new language. This resolution is more for parents and grandparents. The language you must learn is called teenager, and learning it will save you a lot of hard work in trying to translate messages back and forth with your offspring. You might be thinking you learnt that language at college, but think again. Each new generation forms a completely new language with no resemblance with times before. If you can learn this language, then by the next New Year you may even achieve a tidy room, help with the dishes and a guaranteed 46% reduction in headaches.

There we have it. The New Year resolution list we can all get through and feel proud you completed what you set out to do.